PLATONIC RELATIONSHIP

Bismillah ir-rahman ir-rahim

Assalam alaykum warahmatullah wabarakatu 

Can non-mahrams just be friends?

“Just a Friend.” That is quite a statement that is taken very lightly nowadays and it is a serious matter in the Muslim Ummah.

Ustadha Zaynab Ansari has previously stated: “It depends what you mean by “friends.” If you mean “friend” in the Western sense, where you hang out and spend time together and go places, then no, this is not allowed in Islam. Islam doesn’t allow free intermingling of the opposite gender for the simple reason that whenever men and women are together, there is always the possibility, whether latent or actual, of being fitnah (tempted) to do something improper. Having said that even though, the message exchanged appears innocent enough, one has to be realistic about human nature and the natural attraction Allah has created between the male and the female. One must also keep in mind that if the young people have reached adolescence, they are experiencing a life stage where the pull towards members of the opposite sex is quite strong, but the ability to critically judge the impact of their actions and anticipate consequences is diminished.

Islamic gender etiquette is strict, yes, but it is strict for a reason. Unfettered access to members of the opposite sex, including casual friendships, can lead to emotional dependency, infatuation, and the physical behaviors that are associated with committing zinah and not of the private pats but the stepping stones; zinah of the eyes, ears, hands, feet and heart. Unchecked, these developments can have a devastating impact on young people in the worst case scenario, this physical relationships happens outside of marriage and it is haram.  When it is forbidden, just simply stay away from it, in the long run it is for own good. Islam is also practically clear. When there is a legitimate need for men and women to work together, they may do so, provided that everyone observes the proper etiquette (adab). The Qur’an describes the relationship between believing men and women as follows, “And the believers, men and women, are protecting friends one of another: they enjoin what is just and forbid what is evil; they observe regular prayers, practice regular charity, and obey Allah and His Messenger. On them will Allah pour His mercy: for Allah is Exalted in power, Wise.” (At-Tauba, 9:71) In this verse, the Qur’an does speak of the believers as friends, as one community (people of a community help and assist each other thus forming the friendship and being like family), and in spiritual sense too, and is very different from the Western concept of “friendship.” Mixing with non-Mahrams which includes your cousins, (anyone who can marry you, and you can marry) and going out of our way to spend time with them obviously defies the very ideals of Hijab. It’s as simple as this: brothers and sisters who are not Mahram to each other are not supposed to interact when there is no point in doing so, and any interaction that does take place is supposed to be done in a professional manner. The idea of non-Mahram guys and girls spending time together as “friends” is not endorsed by Islam. Also, we need to realize that being Muslim doesn’t make us immune to falling into sin. Just because a sister wears a headscarf and a brother sports a beard does not mean it is okay for them to become friends.

After a long day of hard work with your peers on a project, a sister suggests that all of you hang out at the pizza place nearby for a late lunch. The problem is, your group of peers is made up of both guys and girls. “But we’re all friends!” protests the sister when you, as a brother, bring up the issue. So you think about it and agree, because after all, you say  “She’s like a sister to me.” Key phrase here: “like a sister” She isn’t really your sister, she is a stranger, a non-Mahram which means that there are limitations in how you relate to her. Nowadays, under the guise of Islamic brotherhood and sisterhood, many are unfortunately committing sins in the name of friendship. Islam, however, does not permit such close relationships between non-Mahrams. Of course, living in non-Islamic countries, there are times when non-Mahrams do interact – but there is a difference between how we do so with our colleagues and with our friends. We interact on a regular basis with our colleagues regarding the work that has brought us together on a professional level. We also interact regularly with our friends, but our topics of conversation are not restricted to just business. Furthermore, we spend time with our colleagues at university or at the workplace basically, any place that is relevant to business meetings. However, we can meet our friends in both formal and informal settings. Our colleagues and friends are not one and the same. Keeping that in mind. We are supposed to interact with non-Mahrams as colleagues, not as friends. Unnecessarily spending time with non-Mahrams, doing things like hanging out or having long conversations just to kill time is out of the question, because that is what we would do with a friend. In Islam everything we do is with the intention of gaining the pleasure of our Creator by keeping away from what is forbidden and following His commands. We are supposed to be constantly aware of the presence of Allah, and to strive to get closer to our Beloved by following the teachings of the Prophet and his Ahlul Bayt (peace be upon them).

In line with those teachings, the concept of Hijab for men and women is one of the fundamental aspects of Islam. When it comes down to the core of the matter, all forms of Hijab are for the purpose of maintaining God consciousness and respect when we interact with non-Mahrams out of necessity. However, mixing with non-Mahrams and going out of our way to spend time with them obviously defies those ideals of Hijab. It’s as simple as this: brothers and sisters who are not Mahram to each other are not supposed to interact when there is no point in doing so, and any interaction that does take place is supposed to be done in a professional manner. Just as we are to abstain from sitting at a table that has alcohol bottles on it and just as we are to abstain from listening to music, we are to abstain from developing non-Mahram friendships because of the greater sins that we could be led to commit.

Allah is the One who created us, and He knows the details of the human system better than we can ever discover. It stands to reason that whatever He commands us to do and to stay away from is logical, because He would not ask of us something that is impossible to do or that is harmful for us. Whether or not we acknowledge it, there is a scientific aspect of attraction in cross-gender “friendships”. Our brains release chemicals upon interaction with others, and the amount released increases as we spend more time with a person of the opposite gender. We are fooling ourselves if we try to ignore these facts and be “just friends” with non-Mahrams, because then we will be treading thin ice over a sea of sin in which we will lose focus on our journey of getting closer to the Almighty.

There was an experiment done on the “just friends” between men and women on the behavior of 142 participants. The results of the surveys showed that a significant number of women and men (the number of men being higher) consider befriending non-Mahrams as the first step towards developing a romantic relationship with the person. This in itself shows that it is difficult for non-Mahrams to be “just friends” because the relationship doesn’t even start off with straightforward intentions. More often than not, it seems that befriending someone of the opposite gender has become the first step to eventually turning the friendship into a more intimate relationship. So whether or not it is clearly stated aloud by the non-Mahram individuals themselves, studies show that non-Mahram friendships are, in reality, made for inappropriate reasons. But… “What’s so wrong about it?” That question is usually followed by excuse after excuse, yet each reason that is always given has many flaws. Non-Mahram friendships are not permitted in Islam, no matter how much one may try to justify them by saying, “But…” “It’s a normal thing these days.” Everyone is best friends with a person of the opposite gender these days, so what’s the big deal if we go with the flow? The big deal is that it’s wrong and it Shaytan has made it seem so nice yet it is harmful. Just because everyone else is doing something, that doesn’t make it right and just because few people follow it doesn’t make it wrong. In order to promote a lifestyle of selfishness and immorality, society pressures the public from all around. Be it through sit-coms, books, movies, or real-life examples, we are faced with a smorgasbord of practices that have become common. This idea of “friends with benefits” and no string attached thing. What is that!! Immorality and creeps into the subconscious from what our eyes feed in from around us. The concept of having a friend of the opposite gender with whom one has physically intimate relations, while both still consider each other to be “just friends” – has permeated the fabric of our society, so much that it is no longer considered wrong. Yet the relation of “friends with benefits” does not truly provide anything but momentary pleasure; it destroys the moral compass by promoting easy indulgence in carnal desires, it shatters the honorable concept of being committed to one person, and it severely blackens the soul by gaining the displeasure of Allah.

As mentioned in the above scientific studies, the question of “What if we were more than just friends?” is always in the air. So why go through all that doubt and put ourselves in a situation that has a great potential to become sinful? “I know my intentions are pure.” First of all, what does it even mean to “have a pure intention” when it comes to being pals with a non-Mahram? Second of all, even if you have no ill intentions, Shaytan has promised to mislead any person that he can, so what makes you think you’re immune to his whispers? We already have a Qareen with us 24/7. We have already been clearly warned in the Holy Qur’an, “Did I not charge you, O children of Adam, that you should not serve the Shaytan? Surely he is your open enemy.” (36:60) He is a sworn enemy right from the day the father of mankind Adam (may Allah be pleased with him) was created. We have to be on guard and be able to abstain from situations that are not only spiritually harmful but even potentially spiritually harmful.

They are stepping stones of Shaytan, and the fact that he is patient is why we find ourselves already in too deep and wonder how did I get here? Stay away from the little steps leading to a much larger sin. Be a good listener and slave follow what Allah commanded. “Do not come near unto Zinah.” Remember? It does matter if you don't hug, shake hands or kiss on the cheek, there is no intermingling with non-Mahrams in Islam.

Islam has set out guidelines for interactions between a man and a woman who is not his mahram. It enjoins man to lower his gaze, and it forbids being alone with a woman or shaking hands with her. It also enjoins the woman to cover her entire body and forbids her to speak softly. This is what guarantees the purity of society and the soundness of the family, and it closes the door to evil and temptation.

May Allah protect us from the whispers of Shaytan and guide our hearts from the being spiritually destroyed.

And Allah knows best.