TEACHING OUR CHILDREN ISLAM (2)

Bismillah ir-rahman ir-rahim

Assalam alaykum warahmatullah wabarakatu 

Continuation...

I’ll give you a small example of what I’m talking about. You’re children, what are they ask you for, the most? What are they ask you all the time? (Candy!) Candy? Ma sha Allah you have some really the most righteous kids, they only ask you for candy? (Nintendo!) Ok, nintendo..you got to keep up a little. (iPod!) iPod..PlayStation.. (Car!) Car? Really they got older..toys.. Most of the time where they got the news about the iPad? Did they see it on their dream, like Yusuf AS saw a dream, eleven stars and the moon..so they saw a dream and saw the apple product? Like, ‘Dad I saw an apple on the phone..what is that dream mean?’ No, no..where did they see the iPhone? Either their friends have it, or they saw it on TV, they saw other friends have it..and they say ‘I want to get those sneakers ‘I want to get that shirt ‘I want to get that toy Where they got the toy’s idea from? Where the ilham came from? They came from media. We expose our children to media, and at that media, they are told to basically beg us to get them those toys..and we get them those toys. 

And by the way they’re not just the only victims of that, we are the victim of that too. The brands we wear, actually you feel really, like a high class when you’re wearing a expensive watch, all of the sudden. All of the sudden, you’re more worth of the human being. The moment you walk out from the apple store, with an iPhone on your hand, all of the sudden you just start looking more handsome. Something happened..’I don’t know how I got cooler like this, but it just happened’ We actually assume that we are worth as a human being, beings is related to these products, And if you’re not wearing brand name clothes and you don’t have that kind of a phone, or you don't have this toy or that toy..that you’re worth less.. Somehow you’re not equal to others. Others are better than you. Just because the thing they have in their hand are better than the thing you have in your hand. So we, even Muslims, we have become pretty much ‘Zombie Consumers’. That's what we’ve become also. 

When we talk about raising children in this society, we have to first understand what’s happening with the world. What’s happening with all of us and with the world. Before we can think about raising our children effectively. That's one big problem. The second big problem is, ‘What is the success mean, what are you worth?’. Now a days, our children are being raised to think all they are worth is these products. The brand of clothes, the kind of house, the kind of car your parents drive drop you off to school at, the brand of the book bag you’re wearing..that sort of things. That’s all you’re worth. And then on top of that, the additional problem is, ‘What is it mean to be successful?’ 

Our idea of success, even 20, 30, 40 years ago was, for the fast majority of the Muslim world, maybe some of you didn’t have the good opportunity for education, or your parents didn’t have the good opportunity to education. And they put all of the effort to getting you the education. And you’ve learned that lesson in your life so you say ‘My children might better have top notch education’ If that means they have to go to private school, if that means that we have to rent a house, rent an apartment, and live uncomfortably so that they can get a good education, we will do it. If that means we have to take an insane amount of money for loans to put them in an ivy league school and to put them in to an expensive med school or to put them into a lead program, we will do it. Why? Because the most important part of your success is..what? Your education. And the children here, they’re told by their parents this over and over again. You have to have the education. You will be a failure in life if you don't get education. You have to finish college and you have to finish this and that and you’re from the hindu-paks of continent, obviously if you’re not a physician, then you have failed. And you should not expect anything from this dunya. Now the only thing that left for you is akhirah. Because you know, your parent will not be happy with you now because you are not a surgeon. Or even don’t be a dentist. Dentists are humiliating. Don't even bother with that. That's what we’ve done. By they way, why is it that being a physician is so important than the in a certain segment of our community? You know why? Because it pays the most. It’s not because you get to save life, or you serving humanity. That has nothing to do with it. If doctors were paid the same salary as the bus drivers, Desi community wouldn’t be crazy about making their children doctors. There’s no zeal to get our children to become saviors for the world. Nope, parents are so happy when their son becomes a doctor. Then he say ‘I’m going to doctors without border for 3 years’ ‘I’m gonna go serve doctors without borders in flooded areas for 3 years, I’m gonna go to Somalia, and then I’m gonna go to Pakistan and then I’m gonna go to Bangladesh and then I’m gonna go to Malaysia and I’m gonna serve no salary, none for profit work.’ These parents are going to say ‘Ya Allah, we put all this money in to make you a doctor. And this is what you do? You should have been part of the same blood’s sucking machine that the insurance company in a pharma-seutical companies are a part of. That’s what we wanted you to do. Why are you saving life? What’s wrong with you?’ That’s what we’ve become.. And then we say something’s wrong with our children. We have to look in the mirror, what are we creating. 

Something has fundamentally changed. Our idea of success has become money. Our idea of education has become a carrier that makes a lot of money. Everything comes back to money. If you’re successful, that means you have a lot of money. If you’re successful, it means you have an education, education in what field? A field that will give you a good carrier, which means you will have good money. And that's what success is now.

Everything comes back to this, that’s it. Now this is different from old times. In old times, to have an education means to understand yourself, to understand the world around you, and to contribute to making the world a better place. And to make the world a better place, sometimes you have to study history. Sometimes you have to study sociology. Sometimes you have to study political science. Sometimes you have to study media. Sometimes you have to study journalism. You have to study a variety of fields to contribute to society. Not one field. And by the way the most successful by any measure, the most successful community in the US are the ones that did not limit their children to one field. One of my friends tells me, ‘If Steven Spielberg was in a Pakistani house hold, he would’ve been a doctor.’ Why? Because you know, ‘What do you mean you want to go to Film school? What’s wrong with you? Are you failing medicine?’ You’re going to give your parents a high blood pressure. 

Now let’s talk a little bit about raising our children. First of all our mentality has to change. If they don't see in us the right definition of success, if they don't see that in our personality, our conversations…we cannot expect them to have the right definition of success for their life. They have to see that coming from us. In what we talk about all the times. And what is important for us most of the times. When husband and wife are talking to each other, are the children listening or no? Always. Their ears are always on. Now if you’re two are talking about the bills, and you’re talking about paying off the house, or you’re only talking about movies, or you’re only talking bad about the these other families, what are they did, whatever you’re talking about. They will come to know these are the things that adults, this is what my parents do. This is what’s important in life. That’s it. If you and your wife are talking about Qur’an, talking about akhirah, you’re talking about doing good to others, you’re talking about helping somebody, and they see that from you. You don't have to give them a talk about it, they just see it. The most effective parenting is not even telling your child to do anything, they just see it. They just see it all the time. Inside the home. A lot of you think ‘If I just bring my child to brother Nouman’s lecture and sit them down and in sha Allah after that they will be righteous after that.’ ‘Just a couple of youtube videos and the problems of them will be solved.’ It ain’t gonna help. And you probably have already discovered that. And you, you are the real counselors to your children. I’m the real counselor to my child. We have to become their best friends. And that’s the next thing that changed in the world. 

You know, parents and children had a very organic natural relationship in the old world. In the new world, Daddy’s at work most of the day. And he comes home tired. And by the times he comes home tired, most of the time children are already asleep. And by the time he goes to work, he probably, dad leaves to work before even the kids wake up. And if he doesn't leave before the kids wake up, he sees them only for 5 minutes while they’re having breakfast and he goes and they go. So basically for 5 out of 7 days in a week, father and children have no conversation with each other. If there’s any conversation; ‘Did you do your homework?’ ‘Ok, now get me some water.’ That’s it. That’s the conversation. Now comes the weekend. But on the weekend you have adult over here, and the party over there, and you got to sleep until 12 o’clock and you got things to do around the house, etc. You don’t spend the times with your kids either. You don’t really talk to them. You don’t really communicate with them. This is the real problem. We have to make time for our children during the week and the weekends. That’s the practical advice I’m giving you, and for myself. We have to make time for our children, just to talk to them. Just to listen to them and talk to them. Even they’re talking non-sense. We should be a part of their life, a big part of their life. For a lot of you, the only role you have to your children, you’re like the wall on the house. It’s always there but you don’t talk to it. You will need it, it’s there, you know it’s important; it’s paying the bills. Other than that I have no relationship with it. You know what happens to parents like that? You will find the consequences of that in the moment they become teenagers. Once they hit 14/15, and they become a little independent, and they ask you for a car, and you say ‘No, why do want a car?’ ‘Fine, I’ll just go with my friends. I’ll go get a job, I’ll save some money and buy myself a car.’ And then all of the sudden you hear the news ‘Dad, I’m moving out.’ ‘Moving out? Where are you going?’ ‘Doesn’t matter, I’m an adult now.’ And now you come running to the masjid. ‘Imam, give me a surah, give me a du’a that can fix this boy.’ It doesn't work like that. You can’t have the state of the emergencies when they’re 17, 18, 19, 20. It’s got to be built way, way before. 

Now I’ll come to some practical bits of advice. For the parents who have children under 10 years old, show hands please, children under 10 years of age. Ok, quite a few, Alhamdulillah. My self included. My eldest is ten. So for us, our biggest job is, to us to teach our children Islam. Us, teaching our children Islam. When the prophets AS teaching deen, they were teaching everybody deen. But when Allah swt talks about children learning Islam and the Qur’an, it’s a very few times Allah talks about children learning, children receiving advice. But whenever talks about it, it’s from the parents. Listen to that again. Whenever Allah talks about children getting guidance in the Qur’an, it’s always from parents. And within the parents it’s always from the fathers. Because the mother is always there. The mother doesn't have to do the extra works to be there for the child all the time and to care for them all the time and to give them advice all the time. You don’t have to give moms training on how to be a mom, it comes naturally, Allah put that inside them. Fathers however are horrible. We have to go through training to become real father. It doesn't come naturally to us. Just because you had a baby when a mother has a baby, her feelings, her emotions, everything changes immediately. It changes. A father? It’s like 3-4 days go by, and friend says ‘Hey I heard you had a baby’ ‘Yeah, he hasn’t hit me yet’ (Chuckle) Somebody needs to hit you, so it hits you. You know what I’m saying? ‘It hasn’t hit me yet.’ Because the feelings of fatherhood, they’re not natural to us. We have to build them, we have to work on them, right? So Allah mentions, Luqman (RA) making the time, finding the right opportunity and then talking to his son. We find Yaqub (AS) talking to his sons ‘Ya baniyya inna Allaha istafalakumu addeena fala tamootunna illa waantummuslimoon’ -(2:132). We find Ibrahim (AS) saying this to his sons the same exact advice Yaqub (AS) gave to his sons. That’s pretty amazing. Because that told you that father did a job to his child not just on how to raise himself but to be a father. We’re going to teach our children how to be a good father one day. Because Ibrahim taught Ishaq, and Ishaq taught Yaqub. What is the Qur’an says? Ibrahim and Yaqub, meaning a grandfather and a grandson, said the same exact thing. Did they say it at the same time? No. They said it on two generations apart from each other. Ibrahim (AS) was talking to Ismail and Ishaq. Yaqub AS was talking to his 11 sons. But they said exactly the same thing and that’s incredible. That Allah says the grandfather and the grandson gave the same exact advice, why, because the ‘tarbiyah’ was passed down. Not just on how to be a good son, but one day how to be a good father. That’s the kind of ‘tarbiyah.’ In other words we’re going to be giving the tarbiyah to our children even when they become fathers. Even when they got older, we’re going to give them advice about raising children. And they’re going to see that from us. And if we do our job right, we’re going to look back, you know, a lot of parents, they were abusive. A lot of parents were abusive. And they yelled at their children and they insulted them and they put them down and all these kind of things. And so when they have children they say ‘I’m going to be different from my father. I’m not going to be like my Dad. I’m going to love my child. I’m going to be this way, and that way or the other way’. We’re end up being exactly like our father whether we like it or not, by the way, in one way or the other way. But here what we’re learning is the power of a generation after generation if you do your job right with your children. 

And by the way, another important question, are Ibrahim’s children the same quality as Yaqub’s children? Who are Ibrahim’s children? Ismail, Ishaq. Who are Yaqub’s children? Yusuf AS, Benjamin, and the rest of the brothers. Same quality or no? No. But the advice is the same, right? The advice’s exactly the same. How come? What Allah is telling us, teaching us here is, it doesn’t matter if you had easy kids or difficult kids, you have to do your job. There are some parts of parenting that don’t change it all. Other things have to change. But this part of parenting that will not change at all. You have to give your children the teaching of deen. It will come from you. It will not come from the Qari shab, it will not come from the Imam, or the khatib. It will come from you. 

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